Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

I went from rags to one rag.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

“you changed” bro i was 15