incredible google review i just found
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My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Voodoo map
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw