Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.