Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*