Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I have so many questions.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.