Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Somedays I just love AI so much
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats