Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.