incredible text to wake up to
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I feel it
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell