incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*