Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

grotesque if literal: baby food

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.