Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

had to make it

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad