independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Candles never taste the way they smell
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
me and the Superbowl rn
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.