independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer