Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.