Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.