Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.