Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
wishing you and yours all the best
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend