India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Important reminders
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Brands during Pride
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.