Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.