Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.