Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”