Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?