Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
You Might Also Like
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Saw this yesterday lol
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.