Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
This came to me in a dream.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
🤣🤣💀
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.