Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Alexa: *deep breath*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans