Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

dude it’s called proctologist

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

paddle faster i hear baby shark

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”