Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

yikes

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?