Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Creepy-crawlies

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

hey, alexa

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

early stone age tool

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.