Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.