Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Uh oh 👀

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating