Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.