Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
You Might Also Like
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
🐟✨ #re4
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The Friday File.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.