Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*