Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Meanwhile in Canada…
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Effort made
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
