Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
😭😭
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.