Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Me buying fruit and veg

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time