Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey