Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Straight people are cancelled

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]