Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.