Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I have so many questions.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
step 6: release the wall snake
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”