Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents