Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Good point.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.