Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.