Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

mood

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down