Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*