Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
PLOT TWIST:
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.