Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
You got this…
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My five year plan is a meteorite
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs