Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

Welcome to the stomach

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?