Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”