Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
You Might Also Like
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?