Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number