Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
You Might Also Like
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on