Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.