Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Morning my dudes.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Rather alarming headline…
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
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