Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

What if the weather talks about us?

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*