Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

(grounding my kid) go outside.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?