Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!