Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*Inspirational Tweets*
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.