Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
socratic questions
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.