indiana??? now they’re just making up states
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People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
