indiana??? now they’re just making up states
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
There is wisdom there.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Attacked by a mop.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
my favorite genre of twitter
