Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.