When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?
I like to be prepared.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH