Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

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When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.


HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be


Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.


“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”


I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.


[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*


*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam