Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Don’t make me out nice you.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

what do you want

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update