Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.