Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
You Might Also Like
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped