Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
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Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT