Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
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2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.